Functioning Is The Goal
"The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you." Matthew 7:7
My weekend was destroyed. My body wasn't working. My legs felt the same way a thumb does after it's been hit by a hammer. Throbbing, aching, feeling as if they would explode at any time. From my hips down, this is how it felt for two days straight. Walking only occurred from the bathroom back to my nest of a bed. Pain took over everything; hunger, sleep, thoughts. No medicine or modality helped. I cried out. Literally and to God. Take this pain from me. If this is my life, I don't want to live like this.
“He loves that I am at my end. Now, it is easy for me to get out of the way.”
I finally made my way to be Sunday night with the help of my amazing husband - my caretaker, my support - and rolled into my hammock. I literally laid right where I landed because it was too painful to make the adjustment. I probably laid there for 30 minutes before I adjusted my position. With the aid of lots of pain medicine, sleep medicine, and my TENS unit, my body finally gave into sleep. I slept the whole night in the same position. I dreamed of floods and swimming, of capturing the enemy, all doing it pain-free.
I woke up 12 hours later feeling numb. My body felt numb. I couldn't say that I was in pain. But I hadn't tried to move either. With apprehension, I tried to stretch and realized that the pain was diminished by 80%. Praise the Lord! I can get out of bed myself. I gingerly swung my legs out of my hammock into a sitting position. "OK, this is good.", I said to myself. I pushed out of the hammock and fell forward onto the yo (Korean floor mat used to sleep on) where my husband was laying. My head landed right on the side of his hip. "Well, good morning.", I thought. I laughed inside at the video replay in my head. I rolled to my side and my husband grabbed a hold of me and pulled me under his blanket. I'm so glad that didn't hurt. However, my legs weren't working quite as good as I assumed they would be without as much pain. They were like spaghetti. Uncontrollable noodles. Pain really takes a lot out of a body. I stretched them and moved them and readied them to stand along with cuddling with my husband. In a bit of time, I was able to stand. I walked down some stairs to our bathroom and knew then that the day was already a success. After an Epsom salt bath, I was able to get dressed and be upright. Success again. I headed out with my Bible app and notebook to get some tea and begin to read.
My prayers over the past year seems to be more about wisdom, peace, direction, energy. Give me wisdom about what we are doing as a family and in our business. Give me peace about where we are, right now, living in the moment. Give me direction. I want to know where to go and what to do to get there. Give me the energy to do what you show me I should do. I feel like I am lacking all of these things. I am anxious. I am uneasy. I have zero energy. But, I know that this is right where God loves me, on so many levels. He loves that I am at my end. Now, it is easy for me to get out of the way. I know I am the biggest hinderance in my life to His work. I know I am the biggest hinderance in others lives to His work. When I am beaten down, when I am out of ideas, when I am left used up and spit out, I can not hinder His work. It is easy to get out of the way because there is no fight in me left. It makes me ready to receive His plan, His guidance, His peace, His energy, His way. He knows that I run to Him. And, He loves this.
Over the weekend, I missed my Bible reading. I read along with the verse of the day (VOD) and pray and write. As I went back to the VOD's that I missed, I began reading an answer from God about the prayers I had been praying. Here is what that looked like:
"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you."
"The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."
"That is why I tell you not to worry about every day life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to war. Isn't life more than food, and you body more than clothing?"
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"
Now, take them out of the verse context and make it all one flowing statement . . .
"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you. I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. That is why I tell you not to worry about every day life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to war. Isn't life more than food, and you body more than clothing?"
In one statement, He answered all the prayers I had been praying.